Aaaand, here’s another post.

Look! I got a haircut! It was a much-needed change. And yes, I love mascara.

Whoa, guys, whoa.  Guess what? I’m not perfect.  I know, it’s shocking.  (that was sarcasm…just so we’re clear)  Anyway, as you could probably tell if you’ve been reading my posts, I’ve been feeling pretty lost lately.  I find myself always thinking about the future and the past, and not very much about the present at all.  And that’s bad.  Because all we really have is the present.  To quote RENT: “There is no future, there is no past, I live this moment like it’s my last. [a few other thoughtful lines] No day but today.”  Whoops, I just let some nerd out.

Anyway, at the moment I have no idea how to live only in the present so I went to Powell’s books one day after work this week and picked up some guidance.  The first book I have started reading is “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle.  I guess it’s a pretty widely known book and even Oprah has talked about it so it must be good……right? (more sarcasm)  Well, I’ve only read the first few chapters and it’s already blowing my mind away.  Quite literally, actually.  From what I’ve read so far, according to Tolle, the key to living completely peacefully in the present is to detach yourself from your mind.  Your mind is what is doing all of the thinking; talking to you in that little voice about lots of negative things and reminding you of the past and thinking about–usually worrying about–the future.

Tolle says the key to happiness and living in the now is to reach an enlightened state where you no longer use your mind to identify yourself and take on more of a “third party” perspective.  How do you do this?  Uh, good question.  It sounds difficult.  I haven’t read too much of the book yet but I’ll report back later.

In other news, I didn’t see my trainer either day this week due to…..uncontrollable sadness. There–I said it. But I have done a lot of walking and stayed clean on my diet.  Ok, I had a crouton, a fry, and a sip of hard cider tonight.  I’d call that pretty successful.  I can still feel my pants getting looser so that’s keeping me motivated to stay on track. Tomorrow I’m going on a hike with my friend Brian so that’ll be nice.  And very muddy. And I start sentences with “and” a lot even though it’s not proper.  And I must be in an odd mood because I did it again.  Aaaaand, I’m out.

Putting on my big girl pants

No, the title of this post does not mean I am gaining weight, luckily.  It’s what my trainer mentioned to me when I used the “big girl barbell” the other day.  Some days, you need to just put on your big girl pants and get the job done.

This post is mostly a pep-talk for myself.  I had a very passionate pep talk written to myself when I was experiencing euphoria a little over a year ago after breaking up with my boyfriend (not because I was happy to lose him, but because I finally gained strength for myself) and after attending a women’s conference.  The timing of the conference was ideal.  Unfortunately, this pep talk I wrote to myself no longer exists after a fatal computer accident.  (The computer died, no humans were hurt, just so we’re clear.)

Anyway, it is times like this that I really wish I had this letter.  The letter basically told me that I can do whatever I put my mind to.  And this is true.  I just need to remind myself of it sometimes.

Today I am facing my biggest challenge so far.  Yes, I’ve travelled the UK solo when previously I was afraid of leaving the house, and yes, I got over my fear of vomiting, but today I need to actually face the fear of losing my first love.

I know I have already written about my ex and letting him go, and I’m sure my readers are tired of hearing about it, but I really need to do it now.  Apparently I didn’t believe it firmly enough when I said I needed to move on.  We had a long talk tonight and I truly do need to let him go.  It is not fair to him, his current relationship, or to me.  But how do I let go?  It’s way easier said than done.  It’s like one of those things where someone tells you”don’t look down” and the first thing you do is look down.  If I say “stop thinking about Ted” (I changed his name) then all I’m thinking about is Ted.  All day I have been saying to myself “Olga, let go.”  It makes me cry, which is not a good thing to be doing at work.  I do like the phrase “let go” though because it could apply to many things.  Letting go in general is a good thing.  Letting go of grudges, of stress, of exes… But I think I need to change my slogan to “Be the person you want to be.”  Somewhat ironically, Ted helped me come up with this slogan.

Right now I need to face the fact that my future is in my hands and he cannot be in that picture.  I am going to continue to grow and to push my boundaries, starting with facing the pain that’s associated with the fact that we will never be together.

I am so.very.tired.of being depressed.  I have lost that person that, despite her OCD, went to Europe alone and who was excited about all of the opportunities that awaited her.  I’m going to get her back.  I am strong.  I have accomplished so much, and I have much more to do.  I need to focus on myself and what I can do for the world.  I need to put on my big girl pants, firmly believe that I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to, and dream big.  Here I go.

A Small Update

My new beautiful niece on the first day of her life!

As promised, here is a picture of my new niece.  Isn’t she beautiful!?  I mean, c’mon, how many newborns are this beautiful?  I’m not being biased…I don’t think….?

I feel like I have a lot to report but it’s so much that I don’t know where to start and have actually been kind of avoiding writing this post all day.  So, in order to actually sit down and write this, I told myself that I didn’t have to write everything.

Since this is partially a weight-loss blog, I’ll address how my training is going.  I think it’s going well!  My trainer took my measurements today so I can have a starting point but I feel like I’ve already made progress.  I can tell that when I put pants on they loosen up a lot sooner than they used to.  They’re not obviously too big yet, but I can feel a slight difference.  My trainer doesn’t really like scales, and neither do I.  We’re going to track my progress based on tape measurements, how my clothes are feeling, and improvements in my strength.  I’m already getting better at the “plank.”  Apparently my core needs a lot of work…..

My diet has been going really well too.  I really hate the word “diet” but it is the proper definition of the word: “The kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats.”  So, yeah, the diet is going well.  As I mentioned before, this seems way too easy, which kind of makes me nervous.  The goal of this diet, or way of eating, is to keep my blood sugar level as stable as possible, which means avoiding any high-carb foods and making sure I have a proper balance of proteins, fats, and carbs.  I’m finding that cutting out refined sugars has been really good for me and makes it so I don’t crave more sugar.  I’m really surprised by how I’m really not tempted to eat treats.  It’s been really relieving to not have to always be fighting my urges and to not constantly be feeling guilty about whatever I’m eating.  I’m still able to enjoy foods like nuts (which I wouldn’t really let myself eat before because of fat content) and I eat a lot of Greek yogurt, which I loooove.  I think my body is liking all of the protein I’ve been eating, too.  I’m pretty sure the reason I got to this size in first place was because I’ve been a vegetarian since 3rd grade and I’ve always replaced protein with carbs.  Well, this is a short post, but I’ll be back soon for more.  For now, it’s bedtime.  Work tomorrow!

A Very Special Day

Today I got to watch my niece, Eva, be born.  Like, really watch.  I had a front row seat and it was amazing.  I’m so thankful that I was able to be there and that my sister was comfortable with me being there.  It was an experience I will never forget.  It truly is amazing what are bodies are capable of.

Speaking of which, I’ve been doing personal training! (Ooo, did you see that transition right there?  It was smooooth.  I’m sure this parenthetical clause makes it that much better.)  Yeah, I found a great personal trainer who seems to understand what I need and what I’m looking for.  I’ve started doing small group training with her twice a week while doing about three days of cardio on my own.  On top of that, I have started eating a special diet that includes only eating whole foods and only eating foods with a low glycemic index (so definitely no sugar and no grains except quinoa).  I’ve made  a huge effort to include protein in every meal, which is a big change from before.

The weird thing is, it’s all been going really well.  Yeah, I had a free piece of See’s candy today…but I wouldn’t call today a failure.  I’m not used to “diets” being so easy so I’m feeling wary that it’s not actually going to give me results.  I’m not used to not looking at calorie and fat content so I’m very paranoid that I’m going to check my measurements two weeks from now and find that I’ve actually gotten bigger!  It’s really sad that I feel like a diet has to nearly kill me in order for it to work, isn’t it?  I’ll be taking new measurements this week, hopefully tomorrow, and post them on here.  I’ll be interested to see if I’ve made any progress since the last time I took measurements, although I haven’t been seriously doing my new diet since about 4 days ago.

Side note: I am doing a lot better since my last post.  I am back to focusing on myself and my goals and not living in the past.  I still have moments of sadness, but I’m definitely functioning now.  I’ve also gotten amazing support from friends and family which has helped a ton.  Thank you to everyone!

Also: I will post a picture of my new niece once I get permission from her mom and dad. : )

Saying Goodbye

Wow.  These last couple weeks have been hard…to say the least.  I’ve been avoiding writing this post because I don’t even know where to start.  There is so much going on in my head right now, and most of it is not positive.  First off–somehow my external monitor fell on my open laptop, rendering it completely useless.  I couldn’t get anything off of my hard drive and as I write this, I am using the computer that my brother-in-law so generously lent me.  The loss of all of my important documents is the least of my problems though.

I have finally had to say good bye to my best friend and my first love.  In my post prior to this one I had mentioned that I was starting to lose my “yeah! independence!” feeling.  I was longing to be in a relationship again and feel the love that I experienced with my ex of five years.  We broke up a year ago and have remained friends since then.  We still loved (and I’d like to think that we love in the present tense still–at least I do) each other but we went our separate ways because I had a strong incling that I was not living up to my fullest potential and I had to be single to do that.  Leaving him was the scariest/bravest thing I ever did.  He was, and still is, the most amazing man I’ve ever met.  Although I have accomplished incredible things since we broke up, I often wonder if in return I sacrificed the heart of the greatest man in the world.

I talked to him last week and found out he has a girlfriend.  And he made it clear to me that he is happy.  This latter part made me fully realize that he is over me.  There is no more potential for us to be together.  I thought I had learned to live without him.  I wouldn’t say I moved on, that’s for sure, but I was very content with the way my life had been going.  But it finally clicked with me that I no longer have the potential to be with and marry my best friend.  It makes me angry that we have been seperated for over a year now and I still love him as much as I did the day we broke up.  Does that mean something?

Well, anyway, after going through a few days of heart-aching depression, where I had to demand myself to do simple tasks like “eat” or “smile at your coworker or else they will notice the tears in your eyes” I decided that I cannot talk to my ex anymore.  I was holding onto our “friendship” because I figured that if I can’t have him as a boyfriend at least I can have him as a best friend.  I think deep down I was holding onto our friendship because I thought that if I stayed in his life, then he couldn’t forget about me and maybe, just maybe someday we would get back together when the time was right.  This friendship came at a price though.  Every time we talked I would revert back to feeling a huge loss in my life.  I would be reminded of all the good times we had together.  Most of all, holding onto this friendship caused me to hold on to my hope.

I can’t do that any more.  I have spent a year thinking about him while he has moved on.  He assures me that he thinks about me too, but he can’t be thinking of me that much if he is in a relationship.  It is time to move on.  Now I have done the second scariest, possibly the scariest thing I’ve ever done.  I told him we couldn’t talk anymore.  Now I feel like I have experienced his death.  He is no longer in my life.  Someone who, for five years, was all that I could think about every day.  Someone I had so many fun times with and someone who is mostly responsible for who I have become today.  He was my motivation for becoming a better person.  And now he is no longer in my life and it tears me apart.  I know it is my choice to stop talking with him, and I guess that’s part of what makes it so hard, but I cannot keep spending my time dreaming of a future together, especially if he no longer is.

I was a different person when I was with him.  He assures me that he loved who that person was, and I assured him recently that he would love who I am today even more.  I am strong.  I know what I want (to an extent), and I no longer live under the dark shadow of OCD.  I am confident, too.  He was my motivation to becoming these things.  When we broke up I continued to wear the promise ring that he gave me.  Every time I looked at it, I was reminded that I sacrificed a beautiful relationship with an amazing man so that I could become a stronger, better person.  Every time I looked at this ring, I was motivated to accomplish my goals so that our beautiful relationship wasn’t ruined for nothing.

Well, now I’ve lost hope on ever having a relationship with him again.  And now I have to rely on the hope that there is someone else out there for me.  That hope is the only thing keeping my going right now.  And sadly, it is just a small smidgen of hope.  I am very doubtful.  For now, I have to keep concentrating on my goals and hopefully the right guy will come into my life without me even looking.

My very insightful friend, Neil, told me that I need to stop talking to him and redefine myself and everything that reminds me of him.  So…I need to redefine what I want out of life, and also redefine things like my cat (whom we chose and raised together).  I guess from now on, my cat will be “Corbin, my adventure buddy.”  Not “Corbin, the son I shared with my first love.”  Although even the name “Corbin” makes me think of my ex since he came up with it.  Would it be weird to re-name him?  This last week I’ve said goodbye to my best friend, my first (and so far, only) love, the person I used to be when we were together (which I’d consider a good thing), and lastly, my computer.  (That last part is really not that big of a loss in the big scheme of things but it’s still stressful, and expensive to lose.)  The good news is: this depression has been great for weight-loss! :p

I would also like to add that ultimately, through all my hurt and sadness, I am happy that he is happy.  Yes, I would rather he be happy with me, but if he is truly happy, that’s all I can ask for.  That’s how I know I truly love him.

Reassessing the Situation

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I just accidentally crushed a snail and it made me cry.  I’ve always been a sensitive person…but come on.  I’d be laughing at myself right now if I wasn’t crying.

These last couple weeks have been kind of hard on me.  I started my new job and besides it taking up way too much of my time, I can’t complain.  My co-workers are nice, the day goes by relatively quickly, and although it’s a big company they are very relaxed about things like taking lunch breaks (or more like not taking lunch breaks so I can leave earlier) and what time I start.

I also went on a fervent quest to find a place to live that wasn’t an hour and a half commute from my job (each way).  I was somewhat successful.  I’m now living with a friend in Washington and I’m only 50 minutes from my work.  Ok, so I’m still looking for a more permanent place to live that is closer to work but at least I can now take my time to find the right place with the right roommates.

Besides getting used to devoting about 10 hours of my day to work (if you include commute time) I think what has been really throwing me off is reassessing my priorities.  Since my break up from my five-year long relationship I (which happened about a year ago) I was completely happy being a single, free, independent woman.  I’d still like to think I am.  But now that I am back at a full-time job and living with a friend who is so adorably happy around her somewhat boyfriend (it’s complicated) it makes me have the urge to nest again.  I miss coming home to someone who has been eager to see me all day (or vice versa) and making dinner together while we talk about the random things that happened that day.  I miss the cuddles and pet names, and the look we gave each other when one of us mischievously pressed the “play next episode” button on the roku when we knew it was time to go to bed.  Yeah, for a year now I thought those things were mundane and overrated.  Now I’m not so sure and it’s messing with me.  Didn’t I want to work on myself and make myself a better person before looking for someone to join me?

Another priority that I’m grappling with: working for myself.  Over this last year it has truly become clear to me that the only way to really be successful is working for myself.  For me, it’s not necessarily about fiscal success, but more about having a flexible schedule and being in control of the way a business is handled.  When I moved to Oregon and moved in with my parents I decided to make this a priority and take advantage of my free rent.  I did find a little success, but mostly because my old employers decided they still needed my help so they hired me as a freelancer.  I thought this was great and I wanted to pursue finding more clients but I guess I’ve just been wrapped up in this whole “full-time job” thing and also paying rent.

I should clarify that when I was living in California I worked part-time at a small company but got paid just high enough to survive on my part-time hours.  I definitely had to live life pretty simply, though, but I was ok with that.  I liked my job a lot because my bosses (the owners) were great and so laid back.  In fact, it was they who really proved that owning your own small business really does have a lot of perks.  One of my bosses often took extended weekend trips to go camping and if I wanted to take days off too, it was never a problem.  I didn’t get paid for the days off…but I didn’t feel like I was dedicating my life to working for someone else.  Before that company I was a freelance prop designer.  Now, I could not even live simply on that job…I couldn’t even really survive without the help of my then-boyfriend, but I did get to make my own schedule!  My point is, I’m not used to giving up the most productive part of my day to work for someone else.

I know, I know.  I shouldn’t complain.  SO many people out there don’t have a job at all and would probably curse me if they read what I’m saying.  It’s not that I’m not grateful.  Oh, I am so very grateful.  But it’s just a change, mostly mental, that I have to get used to.  I also don’t want to get sucked in and forget where my priorities lie.  I still remember those days sooo long ago in Ireland (yes, only a month ago) where I was a nomad, going where I felt.  I don’t want to lose that.  I want to go back.

On top of all this, I haven’t been able to work out very much.  I guess I’m still getting used to the fact that it rains a whole bunch here and no  matter how much I tell myself I’m going to go for a run when I get home at 7 pm, it just doesn’t happen when it’s dark out from clouds and pouring down rain.

I guess I’m finally one of those people that goes a little crazy when they don’t exercise.  I was working out at least 5 days a week, more like 6, before I started my job.  I’m definitely going to have to come up with a plan to work some exercise into my schedule.  I’m still trying to make part of my commute into a jog.  I need to figure out the logistics of it still though.

I’ve been seeking out a personal trainer and I met with one today that got me really excited.  (Hey! There’s something I couldn’t do unless I had this job!)  She is also a nutritionist so I  think she could be really good for me.  I’m meeting with her on Monday morning (before work!) to do an assessment of my mobility and if we hit it off I’ll probably be joining some small group training classes before work at least two days a week.  Oh! I’m also trying boxing for the first time on Friday!  Like, legit boxing.  I’m a little nervous, but mostly excited.

Anyway, there’s a lot going on right now and I just needed to write out my thoughts because, clearly, and I think the snail on the pathway to my front door would agree, I needed it.

Gah, I feel like I’m complaining too much and I need to be thankful for everything I have.  It is hard to be positive all the time though.  But just so I remember, here are a few of the many things I’m grateful for:

• my amazing and supportive family
• my job
• my ability to walk or run (especially when I’m in moods like I am now)
• my good friends
• my good health (and the good health of my family and friends)
• the opportunities given to me throughout my life
• chocolate

 

 

Goal Day!

So, I’m in California now.  I’m visiting my friend, Brittany, before I go to my friend’s wedding on Saturday where I get to see many of my good High School friends.  I packed more for this four day trip than I did for my three week trip to Europe.  But hey, what’s a girl to do when she’s going to one of her friend’s weddings and seeing her ex boyfriend except to pack four pairs of shoes and about 8 different outfits?  It’s only natural……right?

Forgive me for not taking a picture with the tear-off sheet that says “GOAL.”  I was too busy this morning finishing a freelance project and packing to even think to take a picture with it before I left.  So instead you got me standing under a rainbow in Dublin.  I figured it kind of fits the theme because it’s like I found the end of the rainbow so it’s kind of like reaching my goal.  No? Too far of a stretch?  Oh well.

I’m sure you’re eagerly awaiting my challenge results (hah! I think I give myself too much credit). You can see the specifics of my results here but after some ups and downs I lost about 8 lbs total.  Yeah, it’s not the 20 lbs I set out to lose, and no, it’s not that impressive of a number to lose in 50 days, but hey, I feel good and in the past 50 days I gained a TON of knowledge about myself and a new perspective on life.  I couldn’t ask for much more than that!

Since I’ve been down here in California for, oh, a few hours, I managed to meet two new people and strike up full on life-story conversations with them just on my way in from the airport.  It’s rare for the people in the Bay Area to be so open to strangers (at least compared to Oregon) and I actually didn’t even initiate the contact so I’m wondering if maybe I just have a more approachable air about me now?  Maybe people can just sense that I love meeting new people?  Or maybe I subconsciously seek out people that are approachable in return.  Either way, it’s a nice change from the Bay Area that I used to experience.

When I get back from my mini vacation I am going to start a new challenge so that I can be thinner for the summer.  I want to do a TON of outdoor activities this summer with my friends and I want to look and feel good doing them!  I’m probably going to take a different approach than my Paul Mckenna system (or…maybe take it more seriously because I really didn’t this time around) and I’m thinking I might try taking boxing lessons.  Time will tell.  For now, I must get to bed because I’m going back to elementary school tomorrow to observe Brittany teaching her class!  Good night.

Final Measurements

March 29, 2012. 207 Lbs.

I took measurements of my body when I first started and I lost inches in almost all areas.  The most significant is that I lost 1 3/4″ on my waist!  Surprisingly I didn’t lose any on my thighs but I feel like my legs are slimmer.  At least I think they are more firm.

Here’s the dreaded side view:

I think for my next challenge I will only use measurements and avoid the scale all together.  I truly believe it doesn’t give an accurate portrayal of progress because of all of the little factors that can sway the scale.  It ends up just getting me frustrated and causing me to take a few steps back.

Two days to go…

Do you see what it says behind the "two"? Oh vey...

Yeah, I’m a little nervous for tomorrow.  It is my finally weigh-in and measurement day.  I know I have lost weight but I know it’s not going to be a significant amount.  Yesterday and today have been a little challenging with the weight-loss and exercise goals.  I’ve been busy doing paperwork for the new job and also doing contract work for my previous employer that I need to finish before I leave tomorrow.  I wasn’t able to exercise yesterday (I figured it was ok because I had already worked out 6 days in a row) but today I barely made it to the gym.  I got there at 9:20 and the gym closes at 10.  It wasn’t nearly enough time to work off the home-made Mexican food that I had at my sister’s house today…  I guess the fact that I got my butt to the gym even though I knew it would be closing soon is a small accomplishment.  I really almost didn’t go.

I clearly don’t have everything under control yet and I know that with a new full-time job and continuing to do work on the side, I am going to have to probably cut down on my huge calorie-burning workouts that make up for my eating habits.  I am still going to have to gain control of my eating habits and really only eat foods that are good for me.  No more cookies!  I’m hoping that now that I’ll have a steady income I may be able to afford a personal trainer who can teach me the right foods to eat and hold me accountable.  Let’s be real here: I know the right foods to eat.  I’ve been “dieting” since I was about 10.  It’s my emotional eating habits that get me in trouble.  I’m very happy that I set this 50-day challenge up for myself and I think I’m going to do another one when I get back from my trip so that I’m all svelt for the summer. :p  Whether or not I post it on here is a different story…

Side note: I just realized today that when I went on a five-mile run the other day (one of the fastest/best runs of my running life) I was wearing a different kind of running shoe on each foot.  Funny.

Good news!

So, I think I probably scared away everyone from asking about the job I interviewed for recently because of this post, but I will save you all that anxiety by announcing that I got the job!  I will now be a Project Administrator at a global engineering company!  I am so thankful and excited for this opportunity and I think it is going to open up a lot of doors for me.  Everything in my life has just seemed to fall into place lately.  The fact that two days before I returned from my Europe trek I got an e-mail from my recruiter saying she had a job in mind for me is just amazing timing.  The fact that I got the job too is even more amazing!

The little OCD voice in the back of my head is tormenting me a tiny bit by thinking “Ok, everything in your life is going sooo well.  What’s the catch?  What will I have to sacrifice for this moment of perfection?”  As a person with OCD, I subconsciously believe in an equilibrium.  I’m not sure if all people with OCD think that way, but I do.  I think that for one thing to go well, another has to go wrong.  In a way, it is like believing in Karma, I guess.  I think that partially the reason why I have always tried to do the right thing is because of my OCD telling me that if I don’t I will pay for it in some way or the other.  Again, this is subconscious thinking and something I don’t think “normal Olga” believes in but “OCD Olga” does.  Does that make sense?  Anyway, I’m trying to focus on “normal Olga” (wow, I’m really sounding like a crazy person now) and be thankful for all of the gifts that have recently been sent my way.  Perhaps things are just working out for me right now because of the positive attitude I’ve been having lately.  Who knows.  Maybe there is no explanation.  Either way, I am so incredibly grateful for all of these opportunities that are opening up to me and I hope to keep them coming!

As a side note: I have been made aware that my post yesterday offended and hurt some people and I am very sorry for that.  I did not mean to hurt anyone and I was just trying to be as honest as I could.  I guess there is a price to pay for being completely open and honest on the internet, but I will not let that stop me.  Hopefully those whom I hurt will understand that I cannot help my feelings, I can only help  my actions.